Take the time and read this. And remember all the people who ask about you.







It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him.. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing.. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3 A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4 Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13.. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

To everyone I sent this to "Thanks for your time"

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE
OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.


THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE
SKIN OF MY ARM."


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY
MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE,

SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE
OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR
EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

That's good!

Anybody need any pepper?

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Some people are like Slinkies...

Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

bad tral

For Harold and every other person who lives in Ohio

Jeff Foxworthy, on Ohio:

You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if :
1. You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of
the State Hospital.

2. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear
orange!

3. You've heard of 3.2 beer.

4. Schools close for the state basketball tournament(deer season
too).

5. You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to
Cedar Point.

6. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost
Winter,and Construction.

7. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

8. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for
candy ones.

9. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means
south."

10. You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.

11. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or Northern Ohio
as soon as they open their mouths.

12. You root for a college team though you've never taken a
class there.

13. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,
Scioto, Tuscarawas and Wapakoneta and you know which letter is
doubled in Cincinnati.

14. You always visit more than two amusement parks in one
summer.

15. You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.

16. You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on
the Clippers.

17. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's
Island.

18. You measure distance in minutes.

19. Down south to you means Kentucky.

20. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

21. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

22. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

23. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
24. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

25. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.Example:"Where's
my coat at?"

26. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.

27. You think of the major four food groups as beef,pork, beer,
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

28. You carry jumper cables in your car.

29. You know what 'pop' is.

30. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.

31. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.

32. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel
nightie.

33. The local paper covers national and international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

34. You think that deer season is a national holiday.

35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper and....

36. You actually get these jokes, then forward 'em to your Ohio
friends.

For the ladies

Why Men Are Just Happier People ! ! !

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

You forgot not having a cow if the toilet seat is up

Glad I'm from Mississippi--LOL


An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a
woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.


After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude.



In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. Who is it? calls one of the nuns.

Blind man, replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.



Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?

The best genie story ever...

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of
the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive
is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch
asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah! Sir, we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"


"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with
a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the
same
for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
>party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
>Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
>pool in the backyard of his mansion.
>
>Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
>oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
>
>At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
>man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
>has the nerve to jump in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
>and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
>
>Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
>jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
>butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
>
>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
>the gator were screaming and raising hell.
>
>Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like
>a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
>
>Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
>
>Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
>dollars."
>
>"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
>
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
>bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
>
>"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
>
>The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
>was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
>
>Again Leroy said no.
>
>Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you
>want?"
>
>Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
>pool."

Can you give me a push?


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.

It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

May offend -


A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the heck is going on with this stupid dog? "

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."