Funny ones, both of 'em.

TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
...and Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

very funny

Thanks. I like that!!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

Another good one!!

omg, too funny!!!

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so
darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower
show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

True Doctor Stories that I got via Email



>A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
>the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
>dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
>were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
>Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
>slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
>instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
>
>Dr. Richard Byres, Seattle, WA
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
>husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
>minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
>had died of a "massive internal fart."
>
>Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>* * * * * * * * * * *
>
>I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
>test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover
>your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now
>your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was
>silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
>discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing
>there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the
>exam.
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * *=* * * * * *
>
>During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
>cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
>with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.
>The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
>running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
>discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50
>patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
>the old patch before applying a new one.
>
>Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
>long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion
>she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
>was alive."
>
>Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
>breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
>I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
>to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
>
>Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>* * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>And Finally . . . . .
>
>A new, young MD, doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
>performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
>unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady
>upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
>and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly
>said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the
>song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Mayer Wiener'."
>

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He said he hadn't.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.


"Yes" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?


Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!'

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the
dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please,
please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make
just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ..

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be
dry.

16. Beagle: I really can't be bothered right now, maybe I'll get to it
after my nap, attention, leisurely walk (aka sniff session) and
dinner.

THE CAT'S ANSWER:

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the
real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light,
some dinner, and a massage?" WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN
THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!!

Thank for the laugh. I needed it after watching "The Hours".

Hillbilly Went Hunting

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like
hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license,
boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting
license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a
Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South
Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South
Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You
tell me, expert."

He Had Never Seen Her Naked

A man and a woman were dating.
She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that
he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow
driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one
piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever
had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He
veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His
girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but
alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover
myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear
her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"

by: Unknown

Three Italian Nuns In Heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

by: Unknown

Nice jokes! I hope you have more for us.