that's how the fight started...





One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started......

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200

in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started......

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is t hat your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light20for $14.95.

instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

Thought it was time for a joke.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

Groan

Mutter and shake head.

You can moan, groan, mutter and shake your heads, but it made me laugh.

Mutter and shake head. Again.

Joke Time!!!
Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Got this in email today

------------------------------

*Petition sign up...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Important Message

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists
that appear in emails, BUT this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent
to over 300 million people. We don't want to lose
any names on the list so just hit forward and send on.
Please keep it going!

To show your support for Obama's health care reform,
please go to the end of the list and add your name.


1. Nancy Pelosi
2.
*

PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his
work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head..'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

These two Idaho potatoes one male and one female were watching the news on TV when Diane sanders came on to do her segment. The male potato said wow, would I like to marry her. The female potato looked at him and said" but you can not marry her, why asked the male potato? and she replied " because she is a "commentator"

From one couch potato to a smokejumper all I can say is groan

The IRS Auditor...
>
>
>
>
>
> At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
>
> "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
>
> "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
>

Want an easy way to get some play? Tell a girl to rub your "knee" ’cause it hurts. Not your right knee or your left knee, but your wee-knee