The Bathtub


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time
to time, and this should help get you started. During a
visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than
the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

"A Biker and an Old Lady"

A good looking biker named Ted stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.

On the way home, Ted stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his
purchases home.

The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Hey, thanks!" Ted said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she
was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

Ted said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's
take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

Ted said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall
and do that?"

The lady said, "Well... Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel' ~ neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, my last question . . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

how egg nog is made

That's just wrong!!!

Funny-yes but may be why I don't like eggnog.

If a clock maker has a cat. Will it have tics?

Best Blonde Joke Ever !!!

LOL only took me 2 clicks to figure it all out

Good one.

It took me three.......duh!

BREAST OR BOTTLE???

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

WWW-Oi

Oh yeah.