More sensible than your usual posts

she has a tendency to be a Blah , Blah , Blah-mer-mouth

maybe Im finally growing up

Beer


A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer".
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.


"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks
the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want
on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she
drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think
this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more
they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it,
he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it."

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official,? you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Gotta love them lawyers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when
he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You
come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer
answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high__________________

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

And they still want a pay raise...

Greed is expensive

You Betcha'

Very strange, but very funny.

You’ll be pleased to know……………………………


'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it!

Oh that was a good one!

Don't encourage her WC

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

Is that what is called the circle of life?

Spoons

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
Consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre 's restaurant and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, ¡the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the
most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string
hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save
time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. ¡

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

EWWW, that is just creepy!