My First Confession

A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

That's a good one,

Nice one Rogue.

In a murder trial...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
*********
I will apologise right now for the next joke (don't kill me, I am a natural blonde myself):

A plane is on its way to Houston when a ...

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

Popping The Question

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave told Mary he'd been saving for an engagement ring but, since he was in graduate school he was also in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

Those are good you guys.....LOL

Satan goes to church


> A few minutes before the services started, the
> townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
> Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
> Everyone started screaming and running for the
> front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic
> effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
> everyone had exited the church except for one
> elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
> moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
> ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked
> up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I
> am?"
> The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
> "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
> "Nope, I ain't", said the man.
> "Don't you realize I can kill you with a
> word?" asked Satan.
> "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the
> old man, in an even tone.
> "Did you know that I could cause you profound,
> horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?"
> persisted Satan.
> "Yep," was the calm reply.
> "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
> "Nope."
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
> "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
> The man calmly replied, "Been married to your
> sister for over 48 years."

That was good.....hope it's not, Autobiographical

Just got it in an email from a friend. I've only been married 4 years, not 48.

A Love Story





I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .....

I will make you ache, shake and sweat

until you moan and groan.....

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you.....

and, you will be weak for days

all my love ,

the flu

ain't that the truth. I had the flu shot, so I better not be "loved" that way this winter

Lol I had my flu shot too and hope I am not loved like that either I love how it looks like a steamy love letter until you read who sent it

Yupper, most steamy one I've ever seen,

Subject: Funny ladies night out story


Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly

over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and
walking
home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of
them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One
of
them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties
and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a
rather
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky
enough
to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves
and
proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The
next
day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn

girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night
without her
panties" "That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card
stuck


between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire

Station. We'll never forget you'."


Hope this isn't to racey for here. I was just emailed it from a fireman.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license.

They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

Those are funny, and I don't think too racy.

I wish I had jokes to share with you folks but the funniest thing I have seen lately is my pay check and I can't decide if it's funny or scary.

It's probably funny to some and scary cool to others, you know what I mean????

Funerals

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynaecologist."

And that's when the proctologist fainted.