Do You Own a Cat or Does a Cat Own You?
Do you sleep without your pillow, because the cat wants to sleep on it?
Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?
Do you always make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may not notice that you have run out of toilet paper until it's too late?
Do you go stay in uncomfortable positions or continue to stay in one place because the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you're reading?
Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into it and is now asleep?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet and of course bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Don't lie, polls show that 40 percent of cat owners do carry their pet's pictures in their wallets)
Do you expect your friends and family to say a few words to your cat when they call you on the phone?
Do you keep old, empty boxes all over the house instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in them?
At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Did you buy a video of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Do your Christmas cards feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card? Is your cat's name on the answering machine!?
Will you confess to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you climb out of bed like Spiderman to avoid disturbing your sleeping cat?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Do you stand at the open door, patiently, in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays? On any day!?
Do you give your cat Christmas presents and stuff a stocking full of toys? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you microwave your cat's food or better yet, prepare it from scratch?
Will you sleep in the same position all night because it distrubs your cats when you move?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout? Do you make it every Sunday?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Does your cat like to sleep on your head? Do you like it also?
Do you introduce your cat when guests come to your house?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? What about a good date?

Ed

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied..

That is so funny

Cinderella, The Later Years:


Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, her fairy godmother appeared.

"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I law saw you," replied the Fairy Godmother. "Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and, after some thoughtful consideration, she said, "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand-to-mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond my comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold, and so did all the furniture inside her home.

"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!".

"It is the least I can do. What do you want for your second wish?", asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young and ful of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

"You have one more wish," said the Fairy Godmother, "what will it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the like of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

"Congratulations, Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing into the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

The Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rockingchair. He wrapped her in his young, muscular arms and her close. Leaning in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, Bob whispered ... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible!

I hate political jokes but had to pass this one on


HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kickback 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.



This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?





Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!'

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

'But before you go, Ma'a m, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? 'These women seem awfully shaken.'

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.

We just got off Route 127.

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

What was that for?' he asked.

That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation '

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What the heck was that for?'

She replied... 'Your horse called.'

For some reason I thought of Ann when I read this

When Grandma Goes To Court




Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so
excitedly but I thought, "What the heck?" and I started
jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping
up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,
"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more!"
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going
to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they
actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out
positive!"

I read this one at lunchtime and laughed my ass off. There are too many people I know who'd be that dumb.

**Pastors Sven and Ole**


Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the
road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that reads: "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself
Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"

Being Nordic we can only assume that they're both blonde.

Man's Best Friend







A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk,.... which one is really happy to see you ?


(See, I told you I was a genius, and um...
I'm also looking for a place to stay.)

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

I'M VOTING FOR THE PILOT!!

A lot better than poop. LOL

I thought you would enjoy that.

Here is one you make like 2dogs

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes
home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that
would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum,
and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine
he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered
the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while
he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."

Nice one!