Something I read made me remember a time when I was in the AF and we needed to have weekly safety briefings. So one of the instructors was tasked with giving this briefing. The briefing was all about safely moving things. I will try to recall this briefing from memory so hear goes.

Mark was the instructor giving the briefing.

Mark.. Moving heavy objects are one of the leading causes of injuries and here are some suggestions to help reduce those injuries.

First before you grab onto it, size it up. Is it going to be too big for you to handle? How much does it weigh? Next figure out where you are going to put it. How far is the distance to where it needs to go? Will it slide into place or are you going to have to force it in.(mind you we have one female instructor and one female admin clerk, and the giggling has just started)

Mark... It is important to know if the object is dry or could be slippery because if you can't grip it tight it may slip out of your hands and fall on the floor.( Both women have now just broke out into hysterical laughter and have fallen out of their chairs and are rolling on the floor)

Mark... You also need to be aware of how heavy it is, If you strain too hard it cause internal injuries and you will wind up in the hospital. ( fifteen instructors are now rolling on the floor gasping for air and using the international sign language for " Stop I can't take any more")

Mark...Knowing the proper method of grasping heavy things will save you a lot of pain. Make sure that you use the proper stance. Bend your knees and don't bend over because if it is too much, you could fall forward and hurt yourself or someone else.(people are running out of the room because they just have to get away because they are very close to wetting themselves)

This was a real briefing that was read just the way it was written and I know I have left out a lot of the best stuff but it was one of the few times I have ever been part of a moment in my life that I actually believed that we were all going to die of laughter and someone would find us all dead and wonder what had happened.

The ones who write the briefings either have way too much time on their hands or they just don't realise what they're saying.

I wish I had a copy of it to post.

Didn't Mark notice his audience was falling out?

Yeah but he knew he had to finish it. He was in tears as well.

Oh that must have been a sight!

One day I got crazy and hid under our admins desk and waited for her to come back from lunch.She came in and went to hang up her coat right infront of her desk and I reached under the front of her desk and grabbed her ankle. I scared the crap out of her. I now talk with a high pitched voice from where she dragged me out from under the desk and beat me silly. That would have been a you tube moment.

Back in high school my friend Sheldon was my best bud. He was always playing practical jokes on me. When we graduated from school we moved to Florida because my DAD had some work to do there and we thought it would be fun so Sheldon came along. We lived in a trailer in Tarpon Springs and it had a screened in room where we had our beds. Sheldon was on the north end and I was on the south end. We had gone to the beach one day and Sheldon thought he stepped on a jelly fish when he was in the water. That sort of unnerved me. We went back home and that night I was asleep and felt the strangest sensation against my hand, which was under my pillow. It just didn't make any sense but I thought it was a jellyfish. It woke me up and I laid there for a few seconds trying to figure out what was cold and clammy against my hand. I lifted the pillow and there was a slice of cheese there. All I could say was What The H***. Sheldon was rolling on the floor across the room. He said he had to wait up for hours to watch that whole episode unfold, but it was worth it.

Sounds like your friend had way too much time on his hands

OK... Back when I was Stationed at Griffis AFB in Rome NY. I worked in Munition control. There was a girl who looked like a cross between Dolly Parton and Stevie Nicks. Her Husband was a biker and he was killed in a motor Cycle accident. They put her in the control room with me and another girl. Anyway The Commander told me to keep a close eye on her and protect her from all of the guys that were trying to hit on her. She was doing Ok she would talk to me when she wasn't busy and seemed to be handling everything as best she could. We used to have parties after inspections and it would be a squadron party so everyone was there. She would always hang around me cause she knew she was safe and all the guys hated me for it. Anyway one night I stopped at the NCO club to have a few beers with a friend who just got promoted and I got paged to the phone. It was Sherie and she wanted to know if she and her girlfriend could be my guest. So I signed them in. Her friend was a knockout as well and when we walked in the door and went to the bar. I asked what do you two want to drink and I was going to buy them a drink. Sherie say" Oh no you don't I owe you and I am buying. With that she ordered 3 Shots of Tequila and she said I have a toast. I held up my shot glass and She yells " Oral sex" I just about choked on my shot and The whole bar started buying us shots to see if she would say it again. After about the fourth or fifth time I said no more. It hit me about then and the girls said "we better get you home." The whole bar was begging them to stay but they said no and out the door we went. They drove me home and carried me into the house and dumped me on the couch and my wife just laughed.

Of course I never lived that down. So if you girls ever want to get free shots now you know what to do.

I think I speak for Kate when I say that we'll buy our own shots but if the mood strikes I can see us saying something like that just to mess with people's heads.

I use to have a sticker on my stereo when I was younger saying " Oral sex is a mouthful" we had our drinking competitions around that motto.

I was going to ask what you were drinking but...
I don't think I want to go there. I don't want to get censored

Golden brew of course. You should know that by now

So YOU'RE the one who likes Golden Showers!

My sewer is plugged. Every time this happens I am reminded about my dad's story. He was a master plumber and at one time had his own business. He used to close up shop on Sat at noon so he could get things done around the house. He was just about to close up shop and a guy came in and said that the septic system was plugged at his house.
My dad had someplace to be and so he nonchalantly said "I think if you put about a half of stick of dynamite in there it will clear it." The man drove off and my dad went home and finished what he wanted to do so he went up top the local bar in town and sat down to have a beer. All of a sudden there was this loud explosion and a big crash out side. He and everyone else went out side to see what it was, and low and behold there was a top half of a septic tank sitting on main st. And the town was cover with crap. My dad went back inside and had quite a few beers that day.
Saying to himself " who would have thought anyone would have taken me seriously?" Anyway it wasn't long before word on the street was that this guy was looking for my father. When they found each other, all they could do was laugh. My father never thought for a minute that anyone would have access to dynamite but this guy worked for a company that built roads and used the dynamite for demolition of mountains. So when I think about people praying for rain I think about this story as well.

That's a Mike Rowe moment...

I don't remember if I told this before or not I may have I just can't remember.

One time back when I was just as fun loving as Kate, My girlfriend and her best friend Marie were looking for something to do. So we got some wine for them,and beer for me. Marie wanted to play Truth or Dare and I had never played it before. Marie was always the life of the party and somehow she took a dare from me and I took full advantage to see if she really wanted to play this game. I had her remove her blouse and grab both of her (Kate's favorite words) tweek them and crow like a rooster. To my surprise she did it.

I should have known better but later after enough beer I took a dare from her and she made me sing and perform naked, the scene from The Rocky Horror picture show " Sweet transvestite" and I did. When I saw Kate's shout, the horror of it all came crashing back.

lol I really dislike that truth or dare game

You really do have to come to one of our parties Gort!! That's not horror so long as there's no video footage.

I'd rather take the truth option than do some dumbass dare.

same here Still alot of folks can't handle the truth

No kidding!

Yeap Gort your definately on the invite list to our next party. Bring Marie if your still in contact.:D

By the way did you get it on tape?

No thank God, because Adam Curry would be out of a job.

I will have to contact my ex and see if Marie has e-mail or a my space page. Haven't seen her since she showed up at my door and threw her arms around me and kissed me. My new wife at the time was really impressed.

Your wife will be even more impressed when you & her bring Marie to one of Dizzys & my parties.

OK, while I was stationed at Chandler AFB in Arizona back in 1979, I loaded bombs onto the fighter planes. We as Bomb Loaders had to keep the tradition of being the heaviest drinkers and the best partiers around. We had a set shift of 05:00 to 14:00 and that made for a lot of party time. My favorite place in Mesa AZ was Minder binders. It was a great big Barn that was converted into a bar & restaurant on the main floor and a dance floor and bar on the second floor. They had great stuff hanging all around and I am sure that the only place that would insure them was Lords of London. I say that because they had a stuffed horse pulling a carriage hanging from the rafters in one part of the place. It was a perfect atmosphere.
Anyway, I had two good friends and we were at that place every night until closing. I have many stories from that bar and here is one of them.

Mike Wilver was crazy, I mean he would eat a glass after drinking his drink. When his birthday came around we took him to Minderbinders. I think there were about ten of us in the party.
Mike always boasted about how no one could drink him under the table. so someone bought him (3 shots of Bacardi 151,3 shots of Jack Daniels, 3 shots of captain Morgan and 3 more shots of 51.) They were all lined up at the table and he drank every one of them in a row. I just sat back in amazement saying to myself "I wonder if this would kill him" Mike was fine for about 5 minutes and then he just got this crazed look in his eyes and started pounding on the table and saying "there ain't no justice" One of our friends noticed a very large bouncer headed our way and Mike started trying to pull the table apart. One of our friends jumped in front of the bar and said "Mike give me five" and held out his hand. Mike jumped up and rushed toward our friend who moved out of the way at the last second and Mike tripped and went head first into the bar and was out cold. The bouncer came over and thanked our friend saying " That was a slick move I will have to remember that one" Now get him out of here before he wakes up and I have to hurt him" We took Mike out and dumped him into the back seat of someone car and went back in to drink. Later, someone came in and said Mike is awake and he ripped the head liner out of the car. We now figured we better leave and do something with him. So we all left at the same time. We were racing each other at the stop lights and I turned around and flipped off my friends in the car behind us only to find out it was the cops. Woops!!! we got pulled over and one of the drivers got a DWI. Mike slept for almost two days before he woke up and he was a sorry mess when he did.

Does Mike still have the ability to speak and walk upright? That much alchohol must have killed a whole lot of brain cells over the years.

Your stories make mine and Kate's look like child's play.

Mate you werent around me in the days.

I know and I'm grateful!

Is that because you couldnt have kept up & out of trouble.

I wouldn't have wanted to keep up. I was a good girl once upon a time.

You still are. You havent really learnt the true meaning of naughty YET.

I've learned enough for now.

Baby steps baby steps.

Baby steps will keep me out of trouble for now.

Maybe maybe not.

He wasn't sure what he was doing there lying on the beach. The smell of the sea air filled his lungs and the sun was just warm enough to relax him. There was a slight hint of perfume in the air and turning around he noticed where it was coming from. She was lying on a blanket about 20 yards off to his left. He had smelled that perfume before and he liked it. It made him want to be nearer to her.

Nice start.