I posted a message in this thread, last night. Where is it?

Let's try this, again.

I rarely ever read messages that have been forwarded to me; and even more rare is the occasion that I actually forward one to someone else. For this one, I will break my own rule.

Subject: Letter to the bank from 96 year old client


*The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was

sent

to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager

thought it amusing enough to have it published in the

New York Times



Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with

which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have

elapsed

between his presenting the check and the arrival in my

account of the funds needed to honor it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit

of my

entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been

in place for only eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window

of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by

way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this

incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial

ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your

telephone

calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,

pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act

for any

other person to open such an envelope. Please find

attached an Application Contact Status which I require

your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I

know

as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,

there is ! no alternative.


Please note that all copies of his or her medical

history

must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the

mandatory details of his/her financial situation

(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN

number

which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,

again, I have modeled it on the number of button

presses required of me to access my account balance on

your phone bank

service.


As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of

flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me.


2. To query a missing payment.


3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am

there.


4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am

sleeping.


5 To transfer the call t! o my toilet in case I am

attendingto nature.


6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not

at home.


7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to

access my computer is required. Password will be

communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized

Contact.


8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options

1

through 7.


9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact

will

then be put on hold, pending the attention of my

automated

answering service. While this may, on occasion,

involve a

lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the

duration of the

call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must

also

levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of

this new

arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less

prosperous

New Year.


Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)


JUST GOTTA LOVE US SENIORS~!!!*

I usually hate forwarded email but I thought this was funny:

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO IN 2006

You (sort of!) have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and
too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those
of
us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for
those
who don't, you are too young anyway. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out
something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answer. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can
I
watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in"office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes.No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"....

HAHA! That just about gave me a seizure but it sounds just like their style.

Who's on first?

I'm asking you WHO'S on first.

Exactly.

Who's on first, I'm on Who.

I don't know is on third.

Here is a shared email for Melanie as I know she likes Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Gweep you need to get something for that stomach of yours, all this puking is not good for you.

Neither is the attempt at humor

North vs. South

The North has coffee houses,

The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,

The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,

The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,

The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,

The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,

The South ! has grits.

The North has green salads,

The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,

The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,

The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a! transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear childr! en, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

Sadly, all that is true.

Thats the truth

I reciprocate this statement. It is all true. Also, depending on which southern state you move to, get used to being a 2nd class citizen for a while. They are more prejudiced than anyone in the North ever thought of being.

There are exceptions, though. There are no native Southerners in Atlanta or in most areas of Florida.

Those displaced by non-natives in Atlanta and Florida infested Alabama. They have since inbred and become cockeyed.

And cocktoothed.