Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
> your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
> food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
> of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
> aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
> Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
> you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
> am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
> sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
> cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
> It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
> other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
> also know that sticking tails straight out and having
> tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
> nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
> bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
> manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
> claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
> paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
> must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
> have been using the bathroom alone for years-canine or
> feline attendance is not mandatory.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
> dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
> following message on our front door.
>
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
> Complain About Our Pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
> off the furniture. (That's why they call it
> "fur"niture.)
>
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
> people.
>
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
> son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
> and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better
> than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all
> the time, are easier to train, usually come when
> called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
> drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
> about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
> your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for
> college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
> children.